1. The most important thing about Valentine’s Day is the
hints. Each February the average woman
drops approximately 2,944 hints about what she wants. Of these hints men pick up about 4. On the other hand, men will drop 0 hints, and
of these women will pick up about 3,997. Any hint that goes unfulfilled is a
chance for a miserable February 14th.
2. Establish the biggest expectations you can come up with, then
insist that you have no expectations. Then
when your lover decides they want to stay in, watch Bond movies, eat frozen
Snickers, and go to bed early, you can be really really upset. But you said you had no expectations!
Anything for Valentine’s Day is great! You’ll have to hold your hurt feeling
inside where they can fester and make you completely miserable.
3. Talk about your plans until your single friends destroy you. Whenever you are around your unattached
friends, make frequent mention of all the lovely and romantic things you’re
going to do with your SO. While your poor lonely friends might not physically
harm you, the tension and hatred will make everyone in the room sufficiently
miserable.
4. Comparison is key. Use
other couples as the standard to which you hold your own relationship. Even if you’re both introverted agoraphobes, everyone
else is going out to candlelight dinners under the Eifel Tower with violins and
chocolates and a new car with a puppy inside!
You must match and escalate!
CANDLELIGHT DINNER UNDERWATER!!!
Chances are really good that you don’t have the imagination or the
capital to achieve the evenings other couples are capable of, but comparisons
will cement your misery.
5. Breakup. Save up all
of your grievances and hurt feelings until Valentine’s Day night. Go to the most public place you can find and
have an increasingly tearful and heatedly angry argument. Be sure to end in screams and slammed car
doors. Next, find your most single
friend (the one who’s been single for the most consecutive Valentine’s Days)
and cry on their shoulder while you help yourself to their barbecue Pringles
and Triple Brownie Carmel Hazelnut Ice Cream. If you’re lucky, you’ll end
Valentine’s Day scrubbing chocolate sauce out of your shirt while holding an
ice pack to your broken nose.