Monday, February 10, 2014

6 Ways to Have a Completely Miserable Valentine’s Day: Part 1, Single’s Edition

1. Everything around you is a reminder that you’re still single.  Don’t let any opportunity to wallow in your solitude pass you by.  Every engagement ring commercial, every buy-one-get-one-free special, every smiling simpering couple is a reminder that you are probably going to die alone.  Let each of these instances sink in and fill your soul with regret and despair.

2. Misery loves company, so drag as many people down with you as you can.  The best way to do this is when someone says the words “Valentine’s Day” you counter with “psshhh, you mean Single Awareness Day.”  If that doesn’t quite do the trick, add a “that spells SAD.”  If you need more misery munitions, whenever someone near you is acting affectionate, peer at them sadly and then look away as if it’s too painful to watch.

3. Eat as many simple carbohydrates as possible, preferably straight from the container.  If you can manage it without utensils, even better.  You want to eat as much as possible, but you don’t want to be physically ill, so pace yourself.  Vomiting is regular misery, which will distract from Valentine’s brand misery.

4. Belligerently spend the night alone.  For best results, watch movies until the wee hours of the morning whilst carefully observing step 3.  Be extremely selective in which movies you watch; nothing will spoil misery quite like distraction.  Avoid action, suspense, horror, sci-fi, and anything starring Bruce Willis.  Choose instead films detailing the perfect romances of fictional characters, especially romance stories centered around February 14th. 

5. If step 4 doesn’t fit your style, go out to dinner all by yourself.  Tell the host to sit you at a table for two, then spend an hour eating bread and glancing around with decreasing eagerness for your lover to show up.  Slowly descend into a deep depression until you are sobbing quietly into your lemon water.  You will accomplish step 2, and you might get a free dinner from a sympathetic manager. (If you want to break Valentine’s Day itself, as you’re leaving the restaurant walk past a table with a happy couple, stare at them in teary horror, say “how could you do this to me?” and throw a drink in one of their faces.  Either one with do.)

6. Whatever you do, don’t think about all the great things about being you.  Pointedly ignore all of your best qualities and focus on all the things that make you so unlovable, thus landing you alone for yet another Valentine’s Day.  Maybe list them aloud as you drive from you fake date to your house to assault a bucket of ice cream with your face.  If you follow these steps, you’ll be well on your way to the most miserable Single Awareness Day of your life!

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