9 Bits of Parenting Advice From a Problem Kid Who Turned Out Okay

1. Your kid might just be having control issues.  Think about it: you control everything about that kid’s life.  Where he lives, which friends he can play with, what he eats, what dishes he uses, what carpet he can walk across in his muddy shoes . . . it’s so oppressive!  Give your poor kid control over as much of his life as possible.

2. Is there an imbalance of responsibility and privilege?  I’m the oldest of six kids, and growing up I had the most responsibility, but no extra privileges.  I had the most chores, I was the in-house babysitter, but I didn’t get to stay up any later or get any more sprinkles on my ice cream.  This might sound stupid, but just reward your @#$% kid for her hard work.  She’ll be more willing to help out and your other children might be motivated to good behaviors as well.

3. Let your introvert be an introvert.  If your little man hates crowds, don’t force him to go to birthday parties so he can “learn social skills.” That’s how sociopaths are made.  Let your little slugger spend time with friends in small numbers.

4. On the other hand, extroverts are cool, too.  If your little lady thrives on social butterflying, give her positive outlets like play groups or dance classes.  She’ll be less likely do crazy things to get attention.   Like streak through the Target when she’s seven or through the campus commons when she’s 18.

5. Children can be addicts, too.  If your kid throws an age-inappropriate tantrum when you turn off his Xbox, there’s a chance he’s addicted to the sensation of having his brain numb.  The same goes for sugar, television, monounsaturated fats, glue, etc.  Turn off the electronics, put away the candy, and toss that kid out into the fresh air.

6. Don’t let your kid be bullied.  Teach by example and stand up for your kid so he can learn to stand up for himself.  If your kid is the bully, respond to him the same way you’d respond to someone who was bullying your kid.

7. At the same time, don’t teach your kid to have a victim mentality.  If you rush to her rescue whenever someone calls her a Poopy Pants Jackson, she’ll grow up to be a pansy who merits the names people call her.  Teach kids to solve inter-personal problems.

8. Never ever ever let your kid believe that you didn’t want him.  Even if you’re joking, it’s crushing to a child to hear that he was a “mistake” or an “accident.”  Likewise, don’t joke about giving him away or sending him off.  Kids usually don’t understand the difference between jokes and reality.

9. Figure out your kid’s love language.  Every kid needs quality time and affection from their parents, but some need more than others to feel loved.  If your kid is a snuggler, snuggle her good!

19 Myths about Humans and Relationships

1. Myth: The key to a successful relationship is communication.

Fact: Communication is great, but if what you’re communicating is negative, acerbic, or vicious, it’s not going to result in anything happy.  The key to a successful relationship is an absence of negativity from both parties.

2. Myth: Everyone wants to hear every detail about your new relationship.

Fact: They don’t. 

3. Myth: You should never go to bed angry.

Fact: Some people are at their very worst when they are tired.  Don’t keep them awake until 3 a.m. while you hash out your differences.  Sometimes a few hours of sleep will solve the problem.

4. Myth: You’ll find “The One” when you’re ready.

Fact: In 2012 in the United States alone over 4,000,000 people who weren’t ready got married.  Being “ready” for a relationship has no causation or correlation to finding someone you love.

5. Myth: Twins can read each other’s minds.

Fact: Any two people who spend that much time together will start to think the same.

6. Myth: Everybody lies.

Fact: Or do they?

7. Myth: You should marry your best friend.

Fact: Women need girlfriends, men need bros.  It’s good to have a spouse and a best friend.

8. Myth: Children should be seen, not heard.

Fact: If children are seen and not heard, they're probably playing too many video games.

9. Myth: You can’t help who you fall in love with.

Fact:  Of course you can!  Choosing not to fall in love with someone is part of how adultery doesn’t happen.

10. Myth: People don’t change.

Fact: A more accurate thing to say is “you can’t change people.”

11. Myth: The greatest love stories are heavily photo documented.

Fact: See myth #2.

12. Myth: There’s someone for everyone.

Fact: Some people will die alone.

13. Myth: “I don’t need anyone to make me happy.”

Fact: Your happiness should be your own responsibility, so surround yourself with people who are positive 

forces in your life.  But don’t expect them to be in charge of your bliss.

14. Myth: Long distance relationships never work.

Fact: We’re in the 21^st century, long distance almost doesn’t exist anymore.

15. Myth: It doesn’t matter if your family doesn’t like your significant other.

Fact: If your family and your SO don’t get along, eventually you’ll have to choose between them.

16. Myth: Taylor Swift has lots of sound relationship advice.

Fact: If you believe this is true, perhaps now is a good time to take a step back and focus more on getting 

your driver’s license.

17. Myth: Opposites attract.

Fact: Balance attracts.  Outgoing and quiet, uptight and laid back, methodical and spontaneous.  These types of things balance two people out.  If opposites truly attract, then Prince William would have married Lady Gaga.

18. Myth: Your kids will grow out of their sibling rivalry.

Fact: Your kids will either work through their differences, or they will be competing and pranking for the rest of their lives.

19. Myth: All you need is love.

Fact: You can’t eat love.

28 Guidelines for Not Being an Internet Noob

1. The first thing you need to do is understand that people will block you if you use your internet powers to be a dweeb.  That’s life.

2. If there is a chance people will say “oh, gross!  No one needs to know that!” don’t post.

3. If you must complain about someone, make sure they can’t see it.  Your boss won’t think your post about her mustache is funny.

4. Before you post ask yourself “would an idiot post this?” If the answer is yes, don’t post.

5. Would you be ok if your grandma knew this about you?  Grandma might not have The Twitter but your cousin might rat you out.   “Hey, Memaw.  Did you know that Cousin Jerry won the Coney Island Whiskey Drinking Contest?”

6. The same thing goes for parents, pastors, employers, potential lovers . . . if it’s on the internet; it can come out to bite you.

7. The internet can be a happy place!  Instead of posting about how much you hate puppies, post about how much you love tarantulas.

8. Vague statements of woe are right out.  No more “I’m just so tired of being hurt.  People can be so cruel.”  The goal here is to get sympathy and inquiries to your sad story.  If you must air your grievances, be specific. “My boyfriend set fire to my car.” No fuss, no mess.

9. No more duck face.  No more shark face.  Let’s stick to person face.

10. If you do something illegal, film it and put it on the internet.  That way the police can bring you to justice much faster.

11. One-up parenting is the living worst.  If someone posts “Greta started crawling today!  So proud!” don’t reply with “Really?  Mason is walking.  Aren’t they the same age?”

12. The internet is not all about you.  If someone posts “I finally graduated with my Masters of Organic Chemistry!” it is not ok to comment with “Cool!  I thought about studying chemistry, but I decided to join the Peace Corps instead.”

13. And ladies, can we raise the bar a bit for “best husband ever?” Really, any schmuck with a debit card can buy flowers.

14. The internet is cool, but it isn’t for everything.  If you can tweet “OMG my kitchen’s on fire!” then you can call 911.

15. Correct: “I’m moving from downtown Chicago to Winnetka this Saturday morning at 10.  There will be donuts and hot chocolate!  Who’s in?”  Incorrect: “Who has a truck I can borrow? I need to move something.”

16. Moms: pregnancy does not make it suddenly ok to post nude photos of yourself.  Facebook is for faces.

17. Some things are not meant to be public.  Marital stress, estranged parents, oozing boils . . . some things should be dealt with in private.

18. The comments section on YouTube is not a venue for political tirades.  Even if Katy Perry is sending subliminal messages about foreign policy . . . no, she’s definitely not.  Take it somewhere else.

19. Speaking of which, do your research before you rage online about politics.  Chances are pretty slim that the House just passed a bill to take children out of schools and send them to the copper mines.

20. There, their, they’re.  Too, two, to.  Your, you’re.  Where, were, we’re.  Learn them.

21. When it comes to pictures, less is more.  We don’t need all 219 pictures of your bouquet toss.

22. Speaking of which, one album per event.  No more albums called “Graduation part 7!”

23. Ours is the first generation to crowd-source the rearing of their children.  For hundreds of years parents taught their kids and took care of problems.  I’m sure we can figure things out without asking our 679 closest friends “my four-year-old won’t stop pooping in the fridge.  What should I do?”

24. Be careful when you post pictures of your children.  Those pictures can end up in anybody’s hands.

25. Things come and go but the internet is forever.  So if you ever plan on running for office, don’t post pictures of you and your pals stealing a stop sign.

26. Social networking is a powerful thing, but it probably won’t help you find a part-time job that has benefits and will pay you at least $22 an hour to watch Netflix.

27. If you’re using social media as your personal log, stop it.  You walked the dog, went grocery shopping, read a book, and snuggled down with your sweetie to watch a movie all in one day?!? How do you do it!??!

28. Be kind.  And if you must be unkind, be clever. 

28 Pieces of Advice for Married People

1. Don't whine about how long it's been since you "got some."  No kidding, it's been two weeks? My heart bleeds for you. Really.

2. Please don't share how you're "trying to get pregnant."  I'm glad you want a family and that you're in love, but spare us the details.  Seriously, no details.

3. I'm so glad you found love, and I'm so glad you love your story.  But just because moving to Kansas or taking a potter class or rear-ending someone is how you met your soul mate doesn't mean that's how it works for anyone else. So, stop telling singles to just "do what I did."

4. "Enjoy being single while you can, once you're married you're stuck."  If I should choose to enjoy my life, so should you.  Also, your poor spouse can see your whiny Facebook posts about how stuck you feel in your marriage, and that's just hurtful.

5. I'm so glad you like your spouse.  Your friends might not be so fond, or vice versa.  And that's ok.

6. When your spouse makes you angry, think of the alternative.  Before you lose your cool about how long she's taking to get ready for the party, remember that you no longer have to go to parties alone.  Before you get upset because he's trying to fix things instead of just listening, think about how someone loves you enough to try to help you.

7. No good can come of complaining about your spouse in public, especially online where there's a permanent record.  If you have a problem, discuss it in private.  Public airing of spouse's imperfections and shortcomings is not only damaging to your relationship but terribly uncomfortable for your audience.

8. And zip it about how your mother-in-law is so irritating.  She probably is.  See step six.

9. Find a nice balance of PDA.  Hold hands in public. Lay claim to that person who means so much to you.  It shows your spouse that you're proud to me married, you want the world to know you think your love is great.  But please remember there's a fine line between showing the world you're in love and showing the world you don't care who's uncomfortable with your reciprocal mauling.

10.  Married people arguing in public is the third most awkward thing in the world.  Right after spilling water in your lap before a job interview and taking children to the zoo during the spring.

11. "A single common interest does not a match in heaven make."  Be thoughtful as you set up your single friends with each other.  If you honestly believe they're compatible, go for it!  They may thank you one day by naming their child after you.  But "you both like tigers and you're both single" isn't good enough.

12.  And please, please, please, don't set me up with someone because you feel bad for rejecting them.

13. The world around you doesn't stop because you're planning a wedding, or you're pregnant, or you're remodeling your guest bathroom.  We're happy for you, we want to hear how things are going, but leave some airspace for other people.

14. Don't treat me like I'm half a person because I'm single.  I know you don't mean it, you're a nice person.  My feelings/thoughts/time/goals are just as important and special as yours.

15. Some people are still single because they are hurting or broken.  Criticism doesn't heal.

16.  I had a coworker who would leave me to finish her work because she had to go home and feed her husband.  "But you're single, you don't have anywhere to be."  She'd say.  Please don't do this.  My time is just as valuable as yours, your responsibilities are just as important and mine, and your husband can find a snack to tide him over for an hour.

17. Having said that, respect your spouse's time more than your friends' time.  Take care of your responsibilities, don't be unkind to your friends.  But when choosing between a movie with your pals and picking up your spouse at the airport, choose the airport.

18. I don't try to be vicariously married through you, don't try to be vicariously single through me.

19. When things get rough, take a good look at that person you married and remember all the reasons you chose to bind yourself to that person.  If that doesn't work, go watch single people on a first date and remember all the reasons you never want to do that again.

20. There are so many people who can be trusted not to have affairs with married people. There are some who can't.  Don't be friends with them.

21.  Wear a wedding ring.  This shows respect to your spouse; you want the world to know at a glance that you are spoken for.  It also shows respect to the single people who are polite enough to check left hands before engaging targets.

22. No matter how good your intentions, no matter hot fervent your promises that you will be different, you WILL vanish from the face of the earth for a while after you get married.  We miss you but we understand.  You're probably insufferably gooey and honeymoony anyway.  We'll see you once all that has worn off.

23. "Love will find you when you least expect it/are ready for it/stop looking for it/get out there more."  These age-old adages are not universally true and are all bull$#!+.  Stop saying them.  Literally no one wants to hear them again.

24. Your single friends might love to babysit your kids.  If you trust them, let them!  But they might really hate it.  And you don't want anyone who hates kids taking care of yours.  So don't pressure them.

25. Don't let your marriage become your identity.  Your spouse fell in love with a person, don't lose that person.

26. You probably have a lot of wisdom and great advice that could benefit a lot of people.  That wisdom will do the most good if given when it's asked for.

27.  Be faithful.  Don't stray.

28.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help and a way out.  Marriages have a beginning and sometimes an end, but souls are eternal, and yours is worth protecting.