28 Pieces of Advice for Married People

1. Don't whine about how long it's been since you "got some."  No kidding, it's been two weeks? My heart bleeds for you. Really.

2. Please don't share how you're "trying to get pregnant."  I'm glad you want a family and that you're in love, but spare us the details.  Seriously, no details.

3. I'm so glad you found love, and I'm so glad you love your story.  But just because moving to Kansas or taking a potter class or rear-ending someone is how you met your soul mate doesn't mean that's how it works for anyone else. So, stop telling singles to just "do what I did."

4. "Enjoy being single while you can, once you're married you're stuck."  If I should choose to enjoy my life, so should you.  Also, your poor spouse can see your whiny Facebook posts about how stuck you feel in your marriage, and that's just hurtful.

5. I'm so glad you like your spouse.  Your friends might not be so fond, or vice versa.  And that's ok.

6. When your spouse makes you angry, think of the alternative.  Before you lose your cool about how long she's taking to get ready for the party, remember that you no longer have to go to parties alone.  Before you get upset because he's trying to fix things instead of just listening, think about how someone loves you enough to try to help you.

7. No good can come of complaining about your spouse in public, especially online where there's a permanent record.  If you have a problem, discuss it in private.  Public airing of spouse's imperfections and shortcomings is not only damaging to your relationship but terribly uncomfortable for your audience.

8. And zip it about how your mother-in-law is so irritating.  She probably is.  See step six.

9. Find a nice balance of PDA.  Hold hands in public. Lay claim to that person who means so much to you.  It shows your spouse that you're proud to me married, you want the world to know you think your love is great.  But please remember there's a fine line between showing the world you're in love and showing the world you don't care who's uncomfortable with your reciprocal mauling.

10.  Married people arguing in public is the third most awkward thing in the world.  Right after spilling water in your lap before a job interview and taking children to the zoo during the spring.

11. "A single common interest does not a match in heaven make."  Be thoughtful as you set up your single friends with each other.  If you honestly believe they're compatible, go for it!  They may thank you one day by naming their child after you.  But "you both like tigers and you're both single" isn't good enough.

12.  And please, please, please, don't set me up with someone because you feel bad for rejecting them.

13. The world around you doesn't stop because you're planning a wedding, or you're pregnant, or you're remodeling your guest bathroom.  We're happy for you, we want to hear how things are going, but leave some airspace for other people.

14. Don't treat me like I'm half a person because I'm single.  I know you don't mean it, you're a nice person.  My feelings/thoughts/time/goals are just as important and special as yours.

15. Some people are still single because they are hurting or broken.  Criticism doesn't heal.

16.  I had a coworker who would leave me to finish her work because she had to go home and feed her husband.  "But you're single, you don't have anywhere to be."  She'd say.  Please don't do this.  My time is just as valuable as yours, your responsibilities are just as important and mine, and your husband can find a snack to tide him over for an hour.

17. Having said that, respect your spouse's time more than your friends' time.  Take care of your responsibilities, don't be unkind to your friends.  But when choosing between a movie with your pals and picking up your spouse at the airport, choose the airport.

18. I don't try to be vicariously married through you, don't try to be vicariously single through me.

19. When things get rough, take a good look at that person you married and remember all the reasons you chose to bind yourself to that person.  If that doesn't work, go watch single people on a first date and remember all the reasons you never want to do that again.

20. There are so many people who can be trusted not to have affairs with married people. There are some who can't.  Don't be friends with them.

21.  Wear a wedding ring.  This shows respect to your spouse; you want the world to know at a glance that you are spoken for.  It also shows respect to the single people who are polite enough to check left hands before engaging targets.

22. No matter how good your intentions, no matter hot fervent your promises that you will be different, you WILL vanish from the face of the earth for a while after you get married.  We miss you but we understand.  You're probably insufferably gooey and honeymoony anyway.  We'll see you once all that has worn off.

23. "Love will find you when you least expect it/are ready for it/stop looking for it/get out there more."  These age-old adages are not universally true and are all bull$#!+.  Stop saying them.  Literally no one wants to hear them again.

24. Your single friends might love to babysit your kids.  If you trust them, let them!  But they might really hate it.  And you don't want anyone who hates kids taking care of yours.  So don't pressure them.

25. Don't let your marriage become your identity.  Your spouse fell in love with a person, don't lose that person.

26. You probably have a lot of wisdom and great advice that could benefit a lot of people.  That wisdom will do the most good if given when it's asked for.

27.  Be faithful.  Don't stray.

28.  If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help and a way out.  Marriages have a beginning and sometimes an end, but souls are eternal, and yours is worth protecting.