1. The first thing you need to do is understand
that people will block you if you use your internet powers to be a dweeb. That’s life.
2. If there is a chance people will
say “oh, gross! No one needs to know
that!” don’t post.
3. If you must complain about
someone, make sure they can’t see it.
Your boss won’t think your post about her mustache is funny.
4. Before you post ask yourself “would
an idiot post this?” If the answer is yes, don’t post.
5. Would you be ok if your grandma
knew this about you? Grandma might not have
The Twitter but your cousin might rat you out.
“Hey, Memaw. Did you know that Cousin Jerry won the Coney
Island Whiskey Drinking Contest?”
6. The same thing goes for parents,
pastors, employers, potential lovers . . . if it’s on the internet; it can come
out to bite you.
7. The internet can be a happy
place! Instead of posting about how much
you hate puppies, post about how much you love tarantulas.
8. Vague statements of woe are right
out. No more “I’m just so tired of being
hurt. People can be so cruel.” The goal here is to get sympathy and
inquiries to your sad story. If you must
air your grievances, be specific. “My boyfriend set fire to my car.” No fuss,
no mess.
9. No more duck face. No more shark face. Let’s stick to person face.
10. If you do something illegal, film
it and put it on the internet. That way
the police can bring you to justice much faster.
11. One-up parenting is the living
worst. If someone posts “Greta started
crawling today! So proud!” don’t reply
with “Really? Mason is walking. Aren’t they the same age?”
12. The internet is not all about
you. If someone posts “I finally
graduated with my Masters of Organic Chemistry!” it is not ok to comment with “Cool! I thought about studying chemistry, but I
decided to join the Peace Corps instead.”
13. And ladies, can we raise the bar a
bit for “best husband ever?” Really, any schmuck with a debit card can buy
flowers.
14. The internet is cool, but it isn’t
for everything. If you can tweet “OMG my
kitchen’s on fire!” then you can call 911.
15. Correct: “I’m moving from downtown
Chicago to Winnetka this Saturday morning at 10. There will be donuts and hot chocolate! Who’s in?”
Incorrect: “Who has a truck I can borrow? I need to move something.”
16. Moms: pregnancy does not make it
suddenly ok to post nude photos of yourself. Facebook is for faces.
17. Some things are not meant to be
public. Marital stress, estranged
parents, oozing boils . . . some things should be dealt with in private.
18. The comments section on YouTube is
not a venue for political tirades. Even
if Katy Perry is sending subliminal messages about foreign policy . . . no, she’s
definitely not. Take it somewhere else.
19. Speaking of which, do your
research before you rage online about politics.
Chances are pretty slim that the House just passed a bill to take
children out of schools and send them to the copper mines.
20. There, their, they’re. Too, two, to.
Your, you’re. Where, were, we’re. Learn them.
21. When it comes to pictures, less is
more. We don’t need all 219 pictures of
your bouquet toss.
22. Speaking of which, one album per
event. No more albums called “Graduation
part 7!”
23. Ours is the first generation to
crowd-source the rearing of their children.
For hundreds of years parents taught their kids and took care of
problems. I’m sure we can figure things
out without asking our 679 closest friends “my four-year-old won’t stop pooping
in the fridge. What should I do?”
24. Be careful when you post pictures
of your children. Those pictures can end
up in anybody’s hands.
25. Things come and go but the internet
is forever. So if you ever plan on
running for office, don’t post pictures of you and your pals stealing a stop
sign.
26. Social networking is a powerful thing,
but it probably won’t help you find a part-time job that has benefits and will
pay you at least $22 an hour to watch Netflix.
27. If you’re using social media as
your personal log, stop it. You walked
the dog, went grocery shopping, read a book, and snuggled down with your
sweetie to watch a movie all in one day?!? How do you do it!??!
28. Be kind. And if you must be unkind, be clever.
Today.... Today what did I do... I woke up and could only open one eye, so I spent a good 15 minutes trying to get the other one open. I then ate a bowl of life cereal, I filled the bowl all the way today and was able to finish it! I shaved my face, cleaned my body (whilst wearing undergarments; nudity is obscene!). I received a ride from my wife to work, gave her a little kiss of affection, walk to the front door and... it was locked :(
ReplyDeleteI then proceeded to knock on the door until someone opened up for me, from there I logged onto my computer, took calls from angry customers, laughed and cried with them about their woes, and ate lunch. To make a long story short, I did all this and more in one day... one day people! Imagine what can be done in a week, a month, a year... even a millennium!
W/love, you're bro, cause eye luve U!
Thanks for commenting, Joe! And thanks for reading.
Delete